Name: bdogg_mcgee

From: Big D, Texas, United States

About me: The observations and musings of a transplanted Houstonian, married to the love of my life and living on the plains of North Texas.

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10.10.2005,10/10/2005 09:15:00 AM
My Own Path to Pretty
I started this blog with the intention of using it to keep me on track with weight loss. However, life got in the way and I realized I like talking about myself and other things more than focusing entirely on taking off the 55-60 lbs I've put on in the last 5 years. And the weight has stayed on. It hasn't gone up, thank goodness, but it's still here.

Then I read Kim's blog and the struggle with her weight inspired me to start anew. I am embarking on the Path to Pretty. (Although I think I'm pretty damn cute already, I know I will feel a lot better when my pretty ass is about 55lbs lighter!) I am not ready to go out on the limb she did in mentioning her weight on her blog, but let's just say it's close to hers.

I have struggled with my weight since I was about 12 years old, when I hit puberty and all of a sudden thought I was the fattest person ever. It didn't help that when I was in 6th grade, my neighbor called me "Fat Ugly Whale" to my face, simply because I had glasses and boobs. Then he instantly became my friend the moment I got contacts. Bastard. To this day I still won't wear glasses in public, but that's another story.

Then I hit about 14 and all of a sudden I matured. Everything moved into the right place, and damn I was HOT! By this time I'd gone to live with my father and stepmother in a small town west of Lubbock, and every time I'd put something into my mouth, my father would look at me and say, "Don't gain your weight back." So I did what any screwed up teenager would do. I stopped eating. My normal weight with my frame is between 135-140 lbs, and by the time I decided to move back to H-town to be with my mom and family, I was 115 lbs. I looked like a skeleton and scared the crap out of my mom.

Back at home with my family I was soon back to my normal weight, and everything went well for the next few years. Of course I thought I wasn't skinny enough, but when you're a teenager, you think you're a blob, no matter how gorgeous you look (Ah, misspent youth!). Then, when I was 21, I met the man I thought to be (before DH, of course) my greatest love, and who ended up being my downfall.

PCN was the friend/roommate of one of my closest guy friends, and I was hooked from the beginning. Now, he had issues of his own, among them an unnatural obsession about weight and exercising, among other things. (I'm leaving out A LOT) I pursued him relentlessly for about 5 months, and we got together in May of 1998, were engaged on Christmas Day 1998 and had moved in together January 1999, while we both finished college. He loved to throw it in my face that he hated being in College Station, hated Texas A&M, but was there only because of me. That's when I realized that PCN wasn't the man I thought he was. Now, I'm not saying that he isn't a good person, because deep down I know he is, but we were definitely not supposed to be together. He brought out the complete worst in me. His behavior was manipulative, negative, frightening, and dishonest, yet still I stayed with him, thinking that I could change him. Instead, he changed me--for the worse. I was very unhappy, and the unhappier I became, the heavier I got. I remember one time when we were at the mall--I was hungry and mentioned in passing how good a corn dog sounded and he said, "If you eat crap like that you'll never lose weight."

We lived together for one year, and then I moved out. We broke up shortly after (in Feb. of 2000). That wasn't the end of it, though. It's never that easy. Back and forth we went, with him contacting me saying that he still loved me and that I was the only one for him. Although I tried to keep him at arm's length, I can't say I always succeeded. Needless to say, I carried a torch for PCN for the next three years, thinking, even though how horribly he treated me, and how small and insignificant he made me feel, that he was the one I was supposed to be with. (Never mind that by the end of 2002 he'd married the girl who essentially broke us up and had a child with her about 9 months later--yet ANOTHER story)

Then, the best thing happened to me. I met DH on Match.com, and by our third date I knew that I was going to marry him. DH is the most wonderful person I've ever known. He's considerate, loving, supportive, funny, and would never do anything to hurt me. He loves me just the way I am, and has told me on several occasions that I could stay the same weight I am for the rest of my life and that would not change his feelings. This unconditional love and acceptance has helped me start to accept myself, finally, after more than 15 years of uncertainty and doubt. But some of it still lingers.....

My weight is unhealthy. There are a myriad of problems I face by staying the weight I am. Heart problems, diabetes, joint problems, pregnancy complications (when that wonderful event happens). And I don't want to be the mom who can't keep up with her kids because of the extra weight she carries.

I'm reading a book about healthy weight loss, and two things are most important in losing weight and keeping it off (besides eating right and exercising, of course.) One of these things is accepting yourself no matter what your size. The other is having a group of people who will support you while you're on this journey. I feel that I'm well on the way of the first, but need help with the second.

Dearest friends and fellow blogger friends, I'm asking you for support. I know this isn't going to be easy, but I know I can do it with the help of my friends. (Not to quote that Joe Cocker song or anything). I do have to say that writing all that I have has helped immensely. I've talked about some of this stuff in the past to some of you, but I've never fully vocalized it like I have today. I feel that by putting this down, I'm purging myself of the negativity I've held on to for so long.

It feels wonderful--like I've lost a few pounds already!
posted by bdogg_mcgee
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