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Name: bdogg_mcgee

From: Big D, Texas, United States

About me: The observations and musings of a transplanted Houstonian, married to the love of my life and living on the plains of North Texas.

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7.15.2007,7/15/2007 04:20:00 PM
True Confessions, part 2
I know it's been a while since I've posted a true confession, but I thought I'd give it a go and post yet another entry with some deep, dark secrets.

Although this secret probably isn't so dark, after all.

True Confession #2: My weight is a constant issue, and as much as I try to say otherwise, it defines who I am.

I was always kind of a chubby kid who desperately wanted to be thin and belong, especially in junior high, when I weighed *gasp!* 140 lbs. That was the kiss of death to a girl who was surrounded by little size 5's when I was a hefty size 11. Of course, now I would sell my soul to be that size (anyone who has or is overweight can attest to this feeling,) but when you're 12, trying to navigate the ins and outs of puberty and finding your place in the school hierarchy, and all of your "best" friends from first grade on were suddenly not speaking to you anymore because you didn't make the volleyball team, you just felt like a big, fat loser.

Then the magical happened. My freshman year, I bloomed. I mean, really bloomed. All of that lumpiness melted away, leaving a slim, svelte girl who looked hot, with big boobs! Finally I was fitting into the size 5's. But of course, the die had been cast, and every time I looked into the mirror I saw the hefty 12-year-old I used to be.

Throughout the end of high school and up until I was about 23, I hovered right around 130 lbs. Then I broke up with my first real boyfriend/fiance and totally went crazy. That, and the fact that I wasn't as active as I used to be really started to pack the pounds on. When I graduated from college, I weighed around 170 lbs, and was a size 16.

And it's only gone up from there, I'm sad to say. I'm so ashamed of how heavy I've gotten that I won't tell you how much I actually weigh, but let's just say there's a 2 in front instead of a 1 now.

I've tried just about everything--Atkins, Sugar Busters, South Beach, Slim Fast--you name it, I've tried it. I would do really well for a few weeks/couple of months, have one or two days of binging, and just stop. Thankfully, I am married to a man who thinks I'm a hottie no matter how much I weigh, but 9 times out of 10 I still look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.

So, I have decided to do something about it, again. Last week I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I have tried WW in the past, but it was always online, and I never once visited a meeting. Hoping that being with a group of like-minded people I might actually get it to stick this time, I thought I'd try the meetings and see what they were about. Everyone was really nice, and my first week on the plan hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. However, I still have this nagging feeling that it won't stick yet again, that I'll be good for a month or two and then stop again, like I've done countless times in the past.

In order to try to keep myself on track, I've been thinking of the reasons why I want to lose weight. Yes, I know that everyone says, "I want to lose weight for my health," but you know what? Fuck that. I want to lose weight so I don't have to shop in the plus size section anymore. I want to lose weight so I can wear sleeveless tops and not have to worry about showing my arms. I want to lose weight so I don't recoil in horror when summer rolls around and it's time to wear a swimsuit again. Yes, the health part of it is important, but dammit, I want to look good.

Plus, DH and I have made a bargain that when I reach the halfway point of my goal, I get a new Kate Spade bag, so that's not a bad goal to work toward either. :)

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